I just so love and appreciate you. As a fellow teacher and writer/artist trying to do it all blah blah and also earn the $- I just so appreciate you and this. Also been meaning to say congrats on Hookergate! Making something that big takes so much time. Cheers mama 🥂
Beautifully written. I have felt exactly the same about safety. After Steven died I felt so unsafe, and I was a grown a$$ woman. I worry about how my husband's death will shape my son as he's growing up (he was 9 when his dad died). I try to do everything I can to make him (and myself) feel safe and secure, but time will tell.
You reminded me of a new poem by @Andrea Gibson, poet laureate of Colorado. They are living with incurable cancer. These lines are from The Lifegiving Benefits of Befriending Our Mortality:
But I did not meet this life until I met its brevity.
I was "safe". I felt "safe," I woke up one day and saw the rest of my existence before me. I didn't want any of it. Knowing that you are going to die is a superpower. I know we all "know it," but most of us are unaware of it. So, to truly understand human frailty is the cornerstone of a fulfilling life where you do things you love instead of passing time. If you were working a 9-5 job, considering your nature, you would possibly be itching to get out of your skin. I mean, these are all suppositions since I do not know you, but the fact is that you could be working at a meat-packaging plant but chose not to. You actively chose to have a job that keeps you on your toes; that must mean something, right?
When I was doing my PhD I thought so many times of quitting- "I do not need any of this." The same during my post-doc. The same when getting rejection upon rejection of grants to support research I do not need to do. That must mean something too, no?
You’re right about my choices meaning something, and tbh I think that if I worked at Buc-ee’s (THE GREAT BASTION OF AMERICANA) I would quickly mourn my creative career.
Well then, as that thought leader of our times said (Peter Parker’s uncle): with great power comes great responsibility. Nothing left for us but to plough on 🤣.
I am reading a book called “how to do nothing” and taking tips for when I catch time to do nothing to actually do just that.
The weight that we carry doesn't get lighter with time, it gets heavier. Maybe you get stronger because of what you've got on your back, or maybe it just pushes you into an early grave. Either way, everyone lays their burden down eventually, and we all do it the same way.
Reading this stories are all too relatable, and helping me heal through a 13 week miscarriage. We’re all rolling on through life’s punches, and thankful for the days where we find a bit of beauty and inspiration. Thanks for sharing, you have a raw and wonderful way with words <3
"Show up to work for regular hours. Carry not the burden of what can I wow em with next into every second of my mental landscape. Instead, leave work and go home and read a book. You don’t have to post on Instagram because you don’t have to market yourself anymore. You’re just a quiet, normal person. "
This is pretty much my life now, except I sling used books instead of smoked meats.
One thing I can tell you from experience is that if you can get your debt to go away, the feeling of relief is palpable. When my student loans and car were paid off, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. I know the whole point of this post is that the milestones don't make the anxiety go away, and I believe you, but yet, that one milestone really did make a huge difference for me.
I can relate. But….I like doing big things. I like ambitious ideas. It isn’t something to expunge from our lives. Because it was how I was created. Working smoked meats at the local super would kill me and you. I do constantly work on keeping it in perspective. It’s just fun. It’s just interesting. It isn’t important.
My ambitious ideas aren’t my hobby, but my livelihood, one that requires seemingly endless marketing and selling of myself, as well as demands more hours than exist in a day. I am also a mother to a toddler, and since i work from home, 90% of the parenting while my husband goes to work everyday, So currently I am full-time parenting while creating large scale book-length works of art for iHeartRadio, creating and selling women’s retreats, teaching an online dance academy multiple times a week, and more. I am not convinced that i would not be happy without a life with this much “success” and ambition. I often think that the most important things, the ones i will think upon on my death bed, are my husband, my kids, the walks we took in the woods, the dogs i loved and lost. Simple things. I have won many awards. I have built fanbases in the millions. I have become breathless and exhausted with this pursuit. I am no longer sure that I’ve lived my life in the best way by pursuing non-stop excellence and accolades. I am afraid i will die and on my death bed realize I spent more time concocting another money-making scheme instead of reading a book to my child.
So many beautiful and kind comments here that are all searching to help you and all of us to find peace that goes beyond all understanding. There is a hole in our hearts that longs for love and relationship with the creator of the universe. I am a biologist and former atheist who eventually found Christianity yet still couldn’t find that peace that eludes most of us but I am coming to realize that we can only find it through fully surrendering our lives to God’s will and to Jesus Christ. 99.9% of Christians aren’t doing that with their lives and so Christians appear incredibly hypocritical and most Christians and all non-believers will never gain the peace that they desire. It will continually elude. I am struggling to fully surrender to Christ. I am mired in the rat-race, comfortable in the life I’ve helped to build for me and my family but until I have the strength and courage to give it all to God, I will not be at peace. Jesus says over and over to follow him. He say to come to him and lay down your burdens. He offers rest and peace and an easy way through him but it requires full surrender. He says in the judgment day he will turn away many who did amazing things in his name because he never truly knew them. They did things only to benefit themselves. They didn’t want a true relationship with the only one who wrought this amazing complex universe and all of the beings in it. You are not a finite being. You have all of eternity. You can spend it in God’s presence or not. He lets you choose. Your reliance on accomplishment will never satisfy. You have lived that and “experimented” with that path long enough to know that is true. Until we align with God fully, we will have that gnawing anxiety. God is love. The absolute and true love that we can barely understand and grasp. This world is palpable and appears true and real but it will fade away. It is incredibly hard to have faith to choose to follow Christ. He says the road is wide that leads to destruction and narrow the path that leads to life. Take all of your strength and courage and desire and surrender.
Jesus says this in Matthew 16:
If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?
Everyone wants to fill that emptiness and it’s there in all of us who haven’t surrendered. It’s undeniable. We try to hide it and ignore it with what the world provides but that path will always fall short.
I am trying to fully surrender. I am not there yet and so this is not meant to be a holier than thou sermon. I risk being spit out of Jesus mouth as I’ve been a lukewarm Christian. I am hypocritical. I know without a doubt I need Him but I still let the comforts of this world lead me from Him at times. But I trust and I have faith that my continued walk with him will begin to align my will with God’s will as I move through this life and that my belief in him will grant me an eternity in His kingdom.
Wow. This comment was beautifully written, Lindsay. Your fear is a real feeling and it’s one you were able to admit through your writing. It’s why I write. It allows me to see those deep feelings that need to be exposed so you can choose how you want to deal with them, if you choose.
Childhood trauma is different than adult trauma, imo. Children don’t have the maturity to feel the feelings they need to feel. They can’t get over the pain because many times they cannot access it. Sometimes, if the child is young enough, they can’t get over it and they forget what happened. A child’s self worth is always hanging by a thread, and if the wrong thing happens, a hole opens up in them because they blame themselves for what happened. They were a “bad kid” and that’s why this happened. It feels safer to blame yourself and be at fault for everything because at least then you have the illusion of control. The opposite is to admit you live by the whims of a cruel universe. Given this choice, almost all children will blame themselves as a survival strategy and then obtain an almost manic type energy for achievement that is really about ensuring the “bad thing doesn’t happen again.” I’m still overcoming my childhood trauma and probably will be for the rest of my life. The only thing that has helped is God. He’s the only way I know to take away the fear without also hurting/destroying myself, or wasting away my life in “ambition” which is almost always masked pain I’m running from. Hope this helped. Good luck.
“For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?”
I suggest this, not because you are not holy, or committed to your God; but because you are looking for comfort and safety in the wrong place. The higher power that you speak to, be it Jesus Christ, Allah, or another… that is who can give you what you need. Seek and you shall find.
Gawd I needed to read this today! Today, of all days, I needed this! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your words are a balm for my soul that is absolutely drawn and quartered, and exhausted. I love how life gives you exactly what you need at the precise moment. Did I say thank you? Gonna say it again…thank you! It's lovely to not be alone.
I think you captured something deep within all of us. We’re all looking to feel safe. Many of us think that if we do/be/achieve more then we will be loved and adored and enough.
My journey, an incomplete one, has been on going within to find these feelings. Because I’ve done the achieving and the eating disorder to look the part and it didn’t work either.
I just so love and appreciate you. As a fellow teacher and writer/artist trying to do it all blah blah and also earn the $- I just so appreciate you and this. Also been meaning to say congrats on Hookergate! Making something that big takes so much time. Cheers mama 🥂
Sames. I totally concur.
The love is mutual. Thank you.
Beautifully written. I have felt exactly the same about safety. After Steven died I felt so unsafe, and I was a grown a$$ woman. I worry about how my husband's death will shape my son as he's growing up (he was 9 when his dad died). I try to do everything I can to make him (and myself) feel safe and secure, but time will tell.
You reminded me of a new poem by @Andrea Gibson, poet laureate of Colorado. They are living with incurable cancer. These lines are from The Lifegiving Benefits of Befriending Our Mortality:
But I did not meet this life until I met its brevity.
Did not meet my voice until I knew every word
could be my last. I did not know what prayer was
until I started praying for what I already have.
Beautiful words from both you and Andrea.
I was "safe". I felt "safe," I woke up one day and saw the rest of my existence before me. I didn't want any of it. Knowing that you are going to die is a superpower. I know we all "know it," but most of us are unaware of it. So, to truly understand human frailty is the cornerstone of a fulfilling life where you do things you love instead of passing time. If you were working a 9-5 job, considering your nature, you would possibly be itching to get out of your skin. I mean, these are all suppositions since I do not know you, but the fact is that you could be working at a meat-packaging plant but chose not to. You actively chose to have a job that keeps you on your toes; that must mean something, right?
When I was doing my PhD I thought so many times of quitting- "I do not need any of this." The same during my post-doc. The same when getting rejection upon rejection of grants to support research I do not need to do. That must mean something too, no?
You’re right about my choices meaning something, and tbh I think that if I worked at Buc-ee’s (THE GREAT BASTION OF AMERICANA) I would quickly mourn my creative career.
Well then, as that thought leader of our times said (Peter Parker’s uncle): with great power comes great responsibility. Nothing left for us but to plough on 🤣.
I am reading a book called “how to do nothing” and taking tips for when I catch time to do nothing to actually do just that.
Idleness is my furtive lover.
I’m reading “Do Less” and I sure need to!
The weight that we carry doesn't get lighter with time, it gets heavier. Maybe you get stronger because of what you've got on your back, or maybe it just pushes you into an early grave. Either way, everyone lays their burden down eventually, and we all do it the same way.
Ain’t that the truth.
Reading this stories are all too relatable, and helping me heal through a 13 week miscarriage. We’re all rolling on through life’s punches, and thankful for the days where we find a bit of beauty and inspiration. Thanks for sharing, you have a raw and wonderful way with words <3
I am so sorry for your loss. 💕 we are certainly all rolling through punches. I’m honored this helped you in some way.
"Show up to work for regular hours. Carry not the burden of what can I wow em with next into every second of my mental landscape. Instead, leave work and go home and read a book. You don’t have to post on Instagram because you don’t have to market yourself anymore. You’re just a quiet, normal person. "
This is pretty much my life now, except I sling used books instead of smoked meats.
One thing I can tell you from experience is that if you can get your debt to go away, the feeling of relief is palpable. When my student loans and car were paid off, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. I know the whole point of this post is that the milestones don't make the anxiety go away, and I believe you, but yet, that one milestone really did make a huge difference for me.
LAWD I BET THAT DEBT ENDING IS A DELICIOUS FEELING
You had me at smoked meat from B’s.
🙏🙏🙏
I can relate. But….I like doing big things. I like ambitious ideas. It isn’t something to expunge from our lives. Because it was how I was created. Working smoked meats at the local super would kill me and you. I do constantly work on keeping it in perspective. It’s just fun. It’s just interesting. It isn’t important.
My ambitious ideas aren’t my hobby, but my livelihood, one that requires seemingly endless marketing and selling of myself, as well as demands more hours than exist in a day. I am also a mother to a toddler, and since i work from home, 90% of the parenting while my husband goes to work everyday, So currently I am full-time parenting while creating large scale book-length works of art for iHeartRadio, creating and selling women’s retreats, teaching an online dance academy multiple times a week, and more. I am not convinced that i would not be happy without a life with this much “success” and ambition. I often think that the most important things, the ones i will think upon on my death bed, are my husband, my kids, the walks we took in the woods, the dogs i loved and lost. Simple things. I have won many awards. I have built fanbases in the millions. I have become breathless and exhausted with this pursuit. I am no longer sure that I’ve lived my life in the best way by pursuing non-stop excellence and accolades. I am afraid i will die and on my death bed realize I spent more time concocting another money-making scheme instead of reading a book to my child.
So many beautiful and kind comments here that are all searching to help you and all of us to find peace that goes beyond all understanding. There is a hole in our hearts that longs for love and relationship with the creator of the universe. I am a biologist and former atheist who eventually found Christianity yet still couldn’t find that peace that eludes most of us but I am coming to realize that we can only find it through fully surrendering our lives to God’s will and to Jesus Christ. 99.9% of Christians aren’t doing that with their lives and so Christians appear incredibly hypocritical and most Christians and all non-believers will never gain the peace that they desire. It will continually elude. I am struggling to fully surrender to Christ. I am mired in the rat-race, comfortable in the life I’ve helped to build for me and my family but until I have the strength and courage to give it all to God, I will not be at peace. Jesus says over and over to follow him. He say to come to him and lay down your burdens. He offers rest and peace and an easy way through him but it requires full surrender. He says in the judgment day he will turn away many who did amazing things in his name because he never truly knew them. They did things only to benefit themselves. They didn’t want a true relationship with the only one who wrought this amazing complex universe and all of the beings in it. You are not a finite being. You have all of eternity. You can spend it in God’s presence or not. He lets you choose. Your reliance on accomplishment will never satisfy. You have lived that and “experimented” with that path long enough to know that is true. Until we align with God fully, we will have that gnawing anxiety. God is love. The absolute and true love that we can barely understand and grasp. This world is palpable and appears true and real but it will fade away. It is incredibly hard to have faith to choose to follow Christ. He says the road is wide that leads to destruction and narrow the path that leads to life. Take all of your strength and courage and desire and surrender.
Jesus says this in Matthew 16:
If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?
Everyone wants to fill that emptiness and it’s there in all of us who haven’t surrendered. It’s undeniable. We try to hide it and ignore it with what the world provides but that path will always fall short.
I am trying to fully surrender. I am not there yet and so this is not meant to be a holier than thou sermon. I risk being spit out of Jesus mouth as I’ve been a lukewarm Christian. I am hypocritical. I know without a doubt I need Him but I still let the comforts of this world lead me from Him at times. But I trust and I have faith that my continued walk with him will begin to align my will with God’s will as I move through this life and that my belief in him will grant me an eternity in His kingdom.
Wow. This comment was beautifully written, Lindsay. Your fear is a real feeling and it’s one you were able to admit through your writing. It’s why I write. It allows me to see those deep feelings that need to be exposed so you can choose how you want to deal with them, if you choose.
I've been hiding under my achievement fort for decades. I've been untangling all of this in therapy recently so this post is so timely for me.
Can relate, friend.
Childhood trauma is different than adult trauma, imo. Children don’t have the maturity to feel the feelings they need to feel. They can’t get over the pain because many times they cannot access it. Sometimes, if the child is young enough, they can’t get over it and they forget what happened. A child’s self worth is always hanging by a thread, and if the wrong thing happens, a hole opens up in them because they blame themselves for what happened. They were a “bad kid” and that’s why this happened. It feels safer to blame yourself and be at fault for everything because at least then you have the illusion of control. The opposite is to admit you live by the whims of a cruel universe. Given this choice, almost all children will blame themselves as a survival strategy and then obtain an almost manic type energy for achievement that is really about ensuring the “bad thing doesn’t happen again.” I’m still overcoming my childhood trauma and probably will be for the rest of my life. The only thing that has helped is God. He’s the only way I know to take away the fear without also hurting/destroying myself, or wasting away my life in “ambition” which is almost always masked pain I’m running from. Hope this helped. Good luck.
Welp this was an insightful and poignant comment. Thank you.
“For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?”
I suggest this, not because you are not holy, or committed to your God; but because you are looking for comfort and safety in the wrong place. The higher power that you speak to, be it Jesus Christ, Allah, or another… that is who can give you what you need. Seek and you shall find.
Gawd I needed to read this today! Today, of all days, I needed this! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your words are a balm for my soul that is absolutely drawn and quartered, and exhausted. I love how life gives you exactly what you need at the precise moment. Did I say thank you? Gonna say it again…thank you! It's lovely to not be alone.
I think you captured something deep within all of us. We’re all looking to feel safe. Many of us think that if we do/be/achieve more then we will be loved and adored and enough.
My journey, an incomplete one, has been on going within to find these feelings. Because I’ve done the achieving and the eating disorder to look the part and it didn’t work either.
Thank you.
The feeling is mutual. Thank you for reading.