Every time I hear you share some part of this story it pulls a lot of feelings to the surface for me. I've always struggled with being alone. It feels like staring into the abyss and facing the fact that life means nothing. So from 13 onwards the longest I've been single was 6 months. I happen to think that relationships and connection is a big part of why we are here and I don't fully buy the rubbish that we need to be happy alone to be happy in a relationship. It's more complicated than that, but this utter fear of being alone led me to stay in my last relationship for over a decade. Towards the end I had succumbed to the fact that I would never find "the one" and would have to just accept mediocre. He wasn't a bad guy per say. Looking back I can say that he was almost certainly autistic, something his own mother, who was a nurse, had picked up in childhood but when they tried to get help he refused to talk to any professionals (he'd go non verbal, something he struggled with in our relationship) and they gave up on him with, "we can't help him if he won't talk to us" and no one pushed for any further diagnosis. He was smart. I think at heart he genuinely cared about me and the people around him but my god he was dull and closed off to me. I need passion. I need to see your soul..I need adventure. Just as I accepted dull and lack of connection...
My current partner appeared. We were both very careful around each other to begin with. He was also in a loveless 10 year relationship that had run it's course and it started like two friends confiding in each other. She was almost certainly already cheating on him, and would later go straight to the other guy the day after they officially split, but he was still torn and heart broken. And then step by step it went from friends to more. I've never had a single man treat me the way he did. It took months before we even so much as kissed. He never pushed anything. It happened slowly and organically and then suddenly I fell straight into it. And then came the pain. He never outright said that words, "I'm leaving her". It was always hinted at. It was always, "don't you trust me?" ... What do I have to trust? You've not promised me anything I can hold onto. I left my ex almost as soon as I realised my feelings were more. But it took him another 6 months. I went back and forth so many times. My heart ripped out over and over again. Berating myself for allowing a man to allow me to feel this way. Frustrated that my worth always comes back to being wanted. But I just wanted him. Only him. I tried to date and realised that the whole dating app thing sucks.
They had a mortgage and pets. I think both of them knew it was over but couldn't quite face detangling. And eventually it happened. They split. And it's a miracle because he's truly the perfect mix of everything I needed. He works hard, he keeps a roof over our head, he looks after me (no one in my entire life has looked after me, I've done everything for myself since I was a child) and yet he is also someone who lives a little on the edge. He's stable and exciting all at the same time. I punished him for a long time. It took a while to build trust after waiting so long but it's been so worth it because every day I love him more 😊
chills reading this, Bex. I think we discussed some of these feelings that day that you drove me fully across the UK. Such a special experience. Thank you for sharing your complicated origin story with your love. The best stories are messy, at least at the beginning.
I dated a man who was perfection for me. He was wealthy, kind, sweet and loved me, catalyst, he didn’t want kids and I already had one and wanted another.
The biggest choice I made in my life was choosing painfully to end that to pursue the two decade marriage I’m currently in.
My husband was a giant red flag, truly and deeply about the most vile man you could have met but I loved him, yea yea of course 😂 (and yes you have met him lol)
I’ll always love him, but I couldn’t be in love with him. He’s not lost on me, he’s a good friend and I adore his wife.
But he is my lost love, wrong universe, wrong time, wrong era. I didn’t continue that behind the scenes but I did cry in a car breaking that off and explaining I had to do this for me, but I knew it hurt us both.
I’m happy, I have many children, a great job, a great husband and a great home but sometimes I do think about him, or rather about what we would have been if I didn’t behave responsibly that day. (And let’s be real I def didn’t want to be responsible but my anxiety will rip my ass to shreds so I just decided that the mental torment of breaking it off was better than the torment of losing both.
Our past relationship is not spoken about, for I always outlined this person as a friend to everyone. Only his wife knows and she mentioned it once and I asked her never to again. So he is my little secret, even 20 years later. He was the best secret.
Of course, I'm the idiot who signed onto your Substack with my real name and headshot. LOL
I usually tell my deeper truths through fictional situations or dialogue.
Let's see ... crushes on actors went better than my real-life crushes. I didn't get asked out on a date until I was in college. Back then in the Jurassic Period, girls didn't ask guys out.
Not helping my case was I was plain, had an overprotective mother who'd had two nervous breakdowns the entire town talked about, and I routinely smashed all the grading curves, probably out of repressed rage.
During high school sophomore year, I had a crush on a guy who was a junior. I was good at drawing, so I hand-sketched a portrait from his class picture in pencil on typing paper. Getting his eyes right had been a bitch. I erased and re-drew so much I'm surprised the paper didn't rip.
When I finished it, I gave it to him.
I'm trying to remember when and how. The details are so blurry. I probably blocked much of it out.
I remember handing him the sketch, just the sheet of paper with his face looking back at him. Not in a folder or an envelope.
You know how some criminals plan "the perfect crime" don't get around to planning any escape? I hadn't thought through how I would present him my masterpiece.
It turned into something like, "I made a thing. Here. It's yours." In the hallway with all the lockers and commotion of everyone changing class around us.
I think he had some of his guys around him. That may be why I handed it over, booked out, and then consigned all the cringey details to the hazy mists of memory.
I do remember he mumbled a "thank you," but that was it. There was no "Oh, now I see YOU! <3"
He was the son of a bank officer, and I was the daughter of a widow lady entirely capable of producing Stephen King's "Carrie."
The guy also had a thing then for a classmate who was a much more socially acceptable match--a varsity cheerleader--except she wasn't into him. She liked an older guy with a sports car that they rode around in until she had to go away for a few months.
That's what happened in rural America during the Jurassic Period. Girls fell in love, and then they either went away or became teenage brides.
About seven or eight years after that day of high school "ugh," I eventually asked a guy out, a guy I worked with when I worked in TV. I think I took him from someone. We've been married 43 years.
Rhonda, you are a beautiful writer with a knack for detail. You had me hooked with this story! That shy girl...wanting connection, but not knowing how...taking a risk, drawing a portrait...my god, how many of us can relate. Thank you for opening up, real photo in the profile pic and all. Means a lot.
I actually was a “side piece” to another “side piece” and she ended up being my best friend at the time, we had a huge falling out but we eventually made up and we’re friends again. She’s actually together with him and happy
Every time I hear you share some part of this story it pulls a lot of feelings to the surface for me. I've always struggled with being alone. It feels like staring into the abyss and facing the fact that life means nothing. So from 13 onwards the longest I've been single was 6 months. I happen to think that relationships and connection is a big part of why we are here and I don't fully buy the rubbish that we need to be happy alone to be happy in a relationship. It's more complicated than that, but this utter fear of being alone led me to stay in my last relationship for over a decade. Towards the end I had succumbed to the fact that I would never find "the one" and would have to just accept mediocre. He wasn't a bad guy per say. Looking back I can say that he was almost certainly autistic, something his own mother, who was a nurse, had picked up in childhood but when they tried to get help he refused to talk to any professionals (he'd go non verbal, something he struggled with in our relationship) and they gave up on him with, "we can't help him if he won't talk to us" and no one pushed for any further diagnosis. He was smart. I think at heart he genuinely cared about me and the people around him but my god he was dull and closed off to me. I need passion. I need to see your soul..I need adventure. Just as I accepted dull and lack of connection...
My current partner appeared. We were both very careful around each other to begin with. He was also in a loveless 10 year relationship that had run it's course and it started like two friends confiding in each other. She was almost certainly already cheating on him, and would later go straight to the other guy the day after they officially split, but he was still torn and heart broken. And then step by step it went from friends to more. I've never had a single man treat me the way he did. It took months before we even so much as kissed. He never pushed anything. It happened slowly and organically and then suddenly I fell straight into it. And then came the pain. He never outright said that words, "I'm leaving her". It was always hinted at. It was always, "don't you trust me?" ... What do I have to trust? You've not promised me anything I can hold onto. I left my ex almost as soon as I realised my feelings were more. But it took him another 6 months. I went back and forth so many times. My heart ripped out over and over again. Berating myself for allowing a man to allow me to feel this way. Frustrated that my worth always comes back to being wanted. But I just wanted him. Only him. I tried to date and realised that the whole dating app thing sucks.
They had a mortgage and pets. I think both of them knew it was over but couldn't quite face detangling. And eventually it happened. They split. And it's a miracle because he's truly the perfect mix of everything I needed. He works hard, he keeps a roof over our head, he looks after me (no one in my entire life has looked after me, I've done everything for myself since I was a child) and yet he is also someone who lives a little on the edge. He's stable and exciting all at the same time. I punished him for a long time. It took a while to build trust after waiting so long but it's been so worth it because every day I love him more 😊
chills reading this, Bex. I think we discussed some of these feelings that day that you drove me fully across the UK. Such a special experience. Thank you for sharing your complicated origin story with your love. The best stories are messy, at least at the beginning.
I dated a man who was perfection for me. He was wealthy, kind, sweet and loved me, catalyst, he didn’t want kids and I already had one and wanted another.
The biggest choice I made in my life was choosing painfully to end that to pursue the two decade marriage I’m currently in.
My husband was a giant red flag, truly and deeply about the most vile man you could have met but I loved him, yea yea of course 😂 (and yes you have met him lol)
I’ll always love him, but I couldn’t be in love with him. He’s not lost on me, he’s a good friend and I adore his wife.
But he is my lost love, wrong universe, wrong time, wrong era. I didn’t continue that behind the scenes but I did cry in a car breaking that off and explaining I had to do this for me, but I knew it hurt us both.
I’m happy, I have many children, a great job, a great husband and a great home but sometimes I do think about him, or rather about what we would have been if I didn’t behave responsibly that day. (And let’s be real I def didn’t want to be responsible but my anxiety will rip my ass to shreds so I just decided that the mental torment of breaking it off was better than the torment of losing both.
Our past relationship is not spoken about, for I always outlined this person as a friend to everyone. Only his wife knows and she mentioned it once and I asked her never to again. So he is my little secret, even 20 years later. He was the best secret.
THIS IS THE JUICIEST SHIT EVER DUDE 💦💦💦
Of course, I'm the idiot who signed onto your Substack with my real name and headshot. LOL
I usually tell my deeper truths through fictional situations or dialogue.
Let's see ... crushes on actors went better than my real-life crushes. I didn't get asked out on a date until I was in college. Back then in the Jurassic Period, girls didn't ask guys out.
Not helping my case was I was plain, had an overprotective mother who'd had two nervous breakdowns the entire town talked about, and I routinely smashed all the grading curves, probably out of repressed rage.
During high school sophomore year, I had a crush on a guy who was a junior. I was good at drawing, so I hand-sketched a portrait from his class picture in pencil on typing paper. Getting his eyes right had been a bitch. I erased and re-drew so much I'm surprised the paper didn't rip.
When I finished it, I gave it to him.
I'm trying to remember when and how. The details are so blurry. I probably blocked much of it out.
I remember handing him the sketch, just the sheet of paper with his face looking back at him. Not in a folder or an envelope.
You know how some criminals plan "the perfect crime" don't get around to planning any escape? I hadn't thought through how I would present him my masterpiece.
It turned into something like, "I made a thing. Here. It's yours." In the hallway with all the lockers and commotion of everyone changing class around us.
I think he had some of his guys around him. That may be why I handed it over, booked out, and then consigned all the cringey details to the hazy mists of memory.
I do remember he mumbled a "thank you," but that was it. There was no "Oh, now I see YOU! <3"
He was the son of a bank officer, and I was the daughter of a widow lady entirely capable of producing Stephen King's "Carrie."
The guy also had a thing then for a classmate who was a much more socially acceptable match--a varsity cheerleader--except she wasn't into him. She liked an older guy with a sports car that they rode around in until she had to go away for a few months.
That's what happened in rural America during the Jurassic Period. Girls fell in love, and then they either went away or became teenage brides.
About seven or eight years after that day of high school "ugh," I eventually asked a guy out, a guy I worked with when I worked in TV. I think I took him from someone. We've been married 43 years.
Rhonda, you are a beautiful writer with a knack for detail. You had me hooked with this story! That shy girl...wanting connection, but not knowing how...taking a risk, drawing a portrait...my god, how many of us can relate. Thank you for opening up, real photo in the profile pic and all. Means a lot.
I actually was a “side piece” to another “side piece” and she ended up being my best friend at the time, we had a huge falling out but we eventually made up and we’re friends again. She’s actually together with him and happy
A side piece to a side piece! Now that sounds like a story right there!
The more of your stuff I read, and the more I research you, the more fascinated I become.
Thank you so much. I appreciate that a ton.